Catfight
by Flaming Trails
Summary: Doc Brown is fought over by five lovely ladies. Who will win his love? UPDATED: Flaming Trails is now J. C. Jones, and there's a new epilogue!
1. Welcome to Catfight!

Catfight

By Flaming Trails

Disclaimer: Only Mystie and Josie are mine. Alien Lisa is Lisa Fagan's, Gina Brown is DocNov121955's, Clara, Doc, Marty, and Jennifer are Universal/Bob Zemeckis and Bob Gale's, Calvin and Hobbes are Bill Watterson's, and Bob the Dinosaur is Scott Adams's, Vitameatavegamin belongs to "I Love Lucy." Special thanks to Gina, Lisa, Christina, Quarantina, Tekva, Anakin McFly, J-Flux, Doc Lathrop Brown, PIcaRDMPC, jd burns, Faolcrop91, Weather Experiment, Back to the Chaos, and Clint Eastwood for making cameos in the fic (and not suing me). I love you guys! Also, special thanks to Steve and Brian, creators of Grudge Match, who I probably subconsciously got this idea from.

Dedication: To all those Doc-Lovers out there.

(The camera pans over a darkened arena. The rows of spectators are filled to bursting. There are unidentifiable whispers and noises from all around.

A spotlight hits the center of what looks like a boxing/wrestling ring. A young woman steps out into the light, holding a microphone. The crowd hushes. It's almost time.)

ANNOUNCER: Are you -- ready -- for a -- CAT FIGHT!?!

(The crowd erupts in screams and yells. This the setting of the hit TV show, Catfight. The Announcer, Christina Smith, waits for the noise to die down, then continues.)

CHRISTINA: All right, let's get started! Our match today is over a very special man. A man very close to my own heart. Five ladies consider this man the biggest prize a girl can get. And they're willing to fight for the right to have him. You'd know him from the blockbusting trilogy, Back To The Future. Our prize today for the best cat fighter: Dr. Emmett Lathrop Brown!

(The spotlight widens to reveal a man tied to a chair, looking around confusedly. He hasn't a clue what's going on.)

DOC: Excuse me! What in the name of Sir Issac H. Newton is going on here? (Testing his bonds) And why am I tied up?

CHRISTINA: You're on Catfight, Doc. You're the prize.

(Doc blinks)

DOC: What?

CHRISTINA: Five women are going to fight for the right to claim you as their own. The one who wins gets you.

DOC: (upset) I'm not a piece of property to be transferred! Let me go!

CHRISTINA: Sorry Doc, no can do. This is a big ratings-booster.

DOC: (suspiciously) You spiked my drink last night, didn't you?

CHRISTINA: How else was I supposed to get you on the show? (To the audience) Yes, Dr. Emmett Brown is the prize in tonight's Cat Fight. And who are the women willing to fight for him? Let's bring them out!

(Five spotlights focus on five different doors. Christina starts her spiel.)

CHRISTINA: First up, an aspiring writer, coming in at five feet three inches, and (static problems) pounds, the creator of the "Alien Lisa" series on FanFiction.net, Miss Lisa "Giggles" Fagan!

(Loud cheers erupt, along with some neighs. Celine Dion and the Bee Gee's "Immortality" starts playing as young woman in her twenties makes her way to the Catfight arena. Her hair is neatly tied back, and she is dressed in a green jumpsuit. The constellation Orion is printed on the front. She comes through the invisible screen and briefly takes the mike.)

LISA: This is for all my friends on Alnilam! Thanks for getting me here, guys! I'm going to make you proud!

(She glances back at Doc, who discretely pushes his chair back. Brief closeup on a crowd of unicorns and other people in the crowd, cheering Lisa. Then back to Christina.)

CHRISTINA: And now, what appears to be a comedian, at (static problems) and (static problems) pounds, responsible for some of the wittier replies on the BTTF.com Message Board, Miss Quaran "The Typist" Tina!

(Loud cheers again as a second young woman appears on the scene in a pink jumpsuit. The song playing for her is "Man, I Feel Like a Woman" by Shania Twain. Imprinted on hers is a keyboard. She passes through the invisible screen and takes the mike.)

QUARANTINA: For all the guys at the Message Board! Keep your hands off my fabulous physicist, 'cause I'm ready to rumble! You wanna piece of me? You got it!

(She smiles at Doc, who has shut his eyes tightly.)

DOC: (quietly) You're dreaming, Emmett. Wake up. Wake up!

(Closeup on a group of people, all different ages, clapping for Quarantina. Christina takes the mike.)

CHRISTINA: Now, a young woman who's been a Doc fan all over her life, coming in at four feet (static problems) inches, and (static problems) pounds, one of the newest writers on FanFiction.net and author of an "R" BTTF story--

DOC: Dare I ask about what?

CHRISTINA: --about Doc himself--

DOC: I was afraid of that.

CHRISTINA: --Miss Gina "InLoveWithDoc" Brown!

(Loud yells as "I'm In Love With a Man Nearly Twice My Age" by Shabba Ranks announces the new girl's arrival. Her jumpsuit is blue, with a DeLorean printed on front. She passes through the screen and takes the mike.)

GINA: I've been dreaming about this moment all my life! Doc is _mine_, and nobody's gonna take him from me!

(Closeup on a group of kids cheering her on. Christina relieves her of the mike.)

CHRISTINA: Our next contestant is a veteran of the movies, coming in at (static problems) and (static problems) pounds, the only one of our contestants to get their hands _on_ Doc, Miss Clara "The Ravine" Clayton!

(Cheers, but not as loud this time, as a thirty-something woman with dark hair and eyes comes in, dressed in a brown jumpsuit with a snake on it. Her song is "DoubleBack, Western Version" by ZZTop. She comes through the gate, ignoring all the nasty looks she gets from the other contestants, and grabs the mike.)

CLARA: I'm the only one with an actual right to this man! I'm his _wife_--

DOC: (shocked) _What?!?_

CLARA: --and he belongs to me! The rest of these pretenders should go back to their fantasies.

(Closeup of Westerns from BTTF III, clapping enthusiastically. The other girls growl and stretch their fingers in prep for a fight. Christina takes the mike and moves away from the action.)

DOC: (nervous) Hey, don't leave me here!

CHRISTINA: (ignoring him) And finally, a bit of a newcomer to the scene of Doc-loving, but just as dedicated as the best of them, at five feet four inches and 150 pounds, the creator of the "Vampire Doc Chronicles," Miss J. C. "Hot For Doc" Jones!

(Loud cheers as the final girl comes in, attired in a purple jumpsuit with a bat motif on the chest. "Rocket" by Def Leppard plays as she unnecessarily vaults the screen and takes the mike.)

J. C.: I may be young, but nobody's more in love with Doc than me! And I'm ready to prove it even if it means killing everyone in this arena.

DOC: (snapping) GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

CHRISTINA: Calm down, Doc! If any of these fine ladies injuries you, they're immediately disqualified.

(Doc calms down, but not by much. He cringes as the girls circle him, all drooling happily. Christina gets in the middle briefly to explain the rules.)

CHRISTINA: Okay, here's how we play. The girls fight together until all but one surrender. You surrender by pulling this bell.

(A bell is illuminated by the spotlight on the wall.)

CHRISTINA: Anything goes in Catfight, except if you injure the prize. If you hurt Doc, you're kicked out. Now, to help you girls out, from time to time a special item will be thrown into the arena. Whoever gets it first gets to use it. All of you also get a lifeline.

GINA: Lifeline?

CHRISTINA: Yup. For our three fanfic writers, you can summon in a time of need a special character from your fanfiction. You summon them by calling them down like this, "Bring me so and so!" They can fight for you for ten minutes. You can only use this power twice.

QUARANTINA: What about me? I don't write fanfic.

CHRISTINA: Not to worry. You and Clara have the same power to summon a character from modern fiction. Movie, TV, comics, whatever. Like them, you can only use it twice. Is everyone set on the rules?

(Nods all around. Doc whimpers.)

DOC: What did I do to the space-time continuum to deserve this?

CHRISTINA: Then let's CAT FIGHT!

(Loud cheers and yells. The girls go to the corners of the pentagon-shaped arena. Doc rocks in his chair, eyes squeezed shut.)

DOC: Think of something, anything to get you out of this mess. . . .


	2. AAANNDD FIGHT!

(Commercial. A friendly-looking red-head stands behind a podium with a bottle and spoon.)

ANNOUNCER: Hello, friends. I'm you're Vitameatavegamin girl. Are you tired, run-down, listless? Do you poop out at parties? Are you unpopular? If so, the answer to all your problems is in this little bottle: Vitameatavegamin. Vitameatavegamin contains vitamins, meat, vegetables and minerals. Yes, with Vitameatvegamin, you can _spoon_ your way to health. All you do is take a tablespoon after every meal.

(The woman samples the product. Her eyes bug out, then she seems to get used to it.)

ANNOUNCER: It's so tasty --hic-- too. Just like candy. (quietly) That's a load of--

OFF-SCREEN VOICE: Damn, I _knew_ she hadn't sobered up! Get her off!

ANNOUNCER: So why don't you --hic-- join the thousands of suckers who are buying this miracle product and great a get big bottle of Vegameanameneymo.

(She starts swigging the stuff again as stagehands drag her off.)

OFF-SCREEN VOICE: Get her back to the 50s, she's getting too modern.

(End Commercial. Back to the show. The girls are at their corners, stretching and preparing to fight. Doc is looking left and right, looking for escape routes. Suddenly he gets an idea.)

DOC: (looking down) If my theory is correct. . . .

(He tries to get up. He is able to stand bent over while still tied to the chair. He starts walking towards the invisible screen. Unfortunately for him, Gina notices this.)

GINA: (shriek) HE'S GETTING AWAY!

(All the girls charge at Doc! He tries to run, but that's a hard task bent over tied to a chair. He trips and falls into the screen. The girls surround him, concerned and wanting to get close to him.)

J. C.: (stroking his face) Are you okay?

CLARA: (feeling his legs) Is anything broken, dear?

GINA: (running her fingers through his hair) I hope I didn't scare you with my yell.

QUARAN: (arms wrapped around his stomach) Do you want a tummy rub?

LISA: (her hands on his shoulders) Why'd you do that? (seductively) I'd never do anything to hurt you. . . .

(Doc, with a nervous smile, is trying to ward them off.)

DOC: I'm fine girls, just fine, you can go away now. (as they get more "intimate") Christina! Christina, help. . . .

(Christina works her way into the crowd of girls.)

CHRISTINA: (pushing the girls away, as they loudly protest) Break it up, girls, break it up. GINA! Get your hand away from there! Quaran, stop with the tummy rub, he's not a dog! J. C., just -- just stop.

DOC: (furiously) Get your hands -- hey! Stop it, listen to -- HEY!

CHRISTINA: (angrily) GIRLS! I'll cancel this!

(The girls finally listen and slink back to their corners. Christina stands a very indignant Doc upright.)

DOC: I'd rather face a paradox than those girls. I'm suing you for improper conduct, kidnaping. . . .

CHRISTINA: Save it for after the show, Doc. (yelling to stage hands) Can we get some super glue?

DOC: (shaking his head violently) NO! I'm leaving right--

(Christina whips out Doc's sleep inducer and sends him off to dreamland. Brief cut, then Doc is superglued into place and getting very angry and scared. The girls get ready for battle. Christina stands by a buzzer.)

CHRISTINA: (yelling) Everyone ready?

DOC: Er -- according to my calculations, the amount of energy these girls have, when released all in one place, might cause--

GIRLS: Ready!

CHRISTINA: (ignoring Doc's rambles) Then let's start!

(She presses the buzzer. The four younger girls immediately go for Clara. They all fall down in a tangled mess, kicking, biting, and scratching.)

GINA: Death to the Unholy One!

CLARA: Who writes the "R" fics here?!

(They roll over and over for a moment, then disentangle and start trying more sophisticated battle moves. Quaran races behind Clara and delivers a vicious wedgie!)

QUARAN: (victory yell) Take _that_, Doc-stealer!

CLARA: Urgh!

(J. C. battles Lisa and Gina with karate, throwing chops and kicks all over the place. Gina counters with plain dirty pool, Lisa with boxing.)

LISA: You're going down!

J. C.: Yeah right! Tell that to some other girl!

(She kicks Lisa's face. Lisa grabs her and throws her at the wall. She smacks into the invisible screen. Closeup of Lisa's cheering section.)

DR. WHO 5: Go get 'em, Lis!

DR. WHO 8: If you need any help, I'm willing to give it!

MIRAGE: Go Lisa!

(Clara, walking a little funny, runs to Lisa and knocks her down. They wrestle on the floor as Gina avoids Quaran. J. C., shaking her head clear, gets up and saunters over to Doc. The scientist leans as far away as he can.)

J. C.: (smiling as she sits on his lap) Hi, Doc.

DOC: (managing a weak grin) Hi. Shouldn't you be fighting?

J. C.: (opening his shirt) Nobody's noticing me. We can have a nice, long chat.

DOC: How old _are_ you?

J. C.: (licking him) Does it matter?

DOC: Hey! Someone, anyone, get her off me!

(Gina answers the call.)

GINA: (doing her best "George" impression) "Hey you, get your damn hands off him!"

GEORGE: (from audience) I didn't sound _that_ geeky!

(J. C. growls.)

J. C.: (doing a "Whose-Line? Wayne" impression) "You must combat the wave!"

(She assumes a silly judo pose. Gina assumes another, and they go at it, moving away from Doc. The scientist looks to heaven.)

DOC: (muttering) Nope, too abstract. . . . No, too complicated. . . . No, too predictable. . . . Damn it, where's Marty when I need him?! Think Emmett, THINK!

(Meanwhile, everyone has cottoned on quickly to Quaran's one combat skill. She's reduced to regular fighting, and it's not going well. She goes over her options, then brightens.)

QUARAN: Lifeline! Bring me -- BOB THE DINOSAUR!

(A lightning bolt hits the arena, nearly giving Doc a heart attack. When the smoke clears, Bob the Wedgie-Sore-aus is standing there, his goofy smile in place.)

SCOTT ADAMS: Hey, what happened to my comic strip???

(Inked words hover above Bob's head.)

WORDS: Bob the Dinosaur gives wedgies to people who deserve them

QUARAN: (commanding) Get 'em, Bob! Smite them with your mighty tail!

BOB: Huh? Smite? (holding his tail) Uh, cramp. . . .

QUARAN: (annoyed) Then wedgie them, I don't care!

(Bob goes after J. C. and Gina. J. C. bolts while Gina ducks behind him. Clara stomps on her foot. Gina yelps and holds her foot, then starts to tapdance.)

LISA: Not as good as this. (She moonwalks)

QUARAN: How about this? (Does "Doubleback" with Bob)

CLARA: I can do that! (Does "Clementine" dance)

J. C.: Top this! (Breakdances)

BIFF: (throwing popcorn) I came to see a fight, not a dance! C'mon, fight!

J-FLUX: (talking to Doc Lathrop beside him) Think I should sue? This is getting as crazy as "Paranormal Paradox."

DOC LATHROP: (shaking his head) Not yet. I want to see who wins.

(Suddenly, a stage hand throws a skateboard into the arena! J. C. spots it first.)

J. C.: All right! It's a Valterra too!

(The other girls see it and scramble to get their hands on it. There's one of those cartoon fight tornados over it.)

DOC: (shaking his head) That goes against all the known laws of physics.

GRIFF: So does all those hot chicks lusting after you, bojo!

(There is a spray of popcorn in his direction from Doc admirers.)

GRIFF: Just an opinion, lobos.

(Lisa claims the prize and starts skating around. The girls, furious, chase after her.)

GINA: Give me that skateboard!

(J. C. executes a flying tackle on Lisa. There's another fight tornado. Gina grabs the skateboard and skates away, causing the tornado to chase her. Closeup of Gina's cheering section.)

JD BURNS: Way to go, Gina!

TEKVA: You can do it, girl! Just remember, if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything!

DOC: Don't encourage her with my words!

(J. C. disentangles herself from the tornado and runs towards Doc.)

J. C.: Safe! (She smiles at Doc) Hi, lover boy.

DOC: Keep your manus off me!

J. C.: (confused) Wha?

(Doc is saved from answering by Clara attacking J. C. in a wrestling move. The people from BTTF III cheer her!)

BUFORD: Ride on, filly!

BAR PATRON 1: (raising a beer) Here's to you, schoolmarm!

(Bob gets Gina in a wedgie.)

GINA: EEP!

(Quaran grabs the skateboard and runs with it. Bob goes after Lisa, who delivers a few hits to the head.)

FAOLCROP91: This has more random insanity than my fic.

(As the girls wrestle, Doc tests his bonds again and kicks whoever comes near him.)

DOC: By every scientist who ever lived, let me get me OUT OF HERE!

CHRISTINA: Well, so far the fight is going strong. Who will win? Stay tuned!


	3. Attack of the Mary Sues!

(Commercial. It's Vitameatavegamin again, this time with a young blond in place of the redhead. She looks extremely eager.)

ANNOUNCER: Are we ready? Am I on? I'm on! (Smiling at audience) Hello, friends! I'm your Vitameatavegamin girl! Are you tired, run down, listless? Do you poop out at parties? Are you unpopular? If so, the answer to all your problems is in this bittle lottle -- little bottle!

(She starts crying hysterically.)

ANNOUNCER: I screwed up! I'm pathetic and worthless!

OFF-SCREEN VOICE: (panicking) Damn it! Keep going, girl! Keep going!

(The announcer just barely pulls herself together.)

ANNOUNCER: (a whimper still in her voice) Is in this little bottle: Vitameatavegamin. Vitameatavegamin contains vitamins, meat, vegetables, and minerals. Yes, with Vitameatavegamin, you can _spoon_ your way to health. All you do is take a spoonful after every meal.

(She tastes the product, gags, spits it out, and begins crying again.)

ANNOUNCER: (makeup streaming down her face) Oh, I'm just no good at all! I'm horrible and dumb and silly. . . .

OFF-SCREEN VOICE: (sighing) Get her off. Somebody get her a tissue.

(End commercial. Christina shakes her head.)

CHRISTINA: We gotta get a new sponsor. (Seeing she's on-camera) Ah, welcome back! The girls are still going strong, and we're getting ready to throw our next special item into the ring.

(Cut to the girls, kicking and scratching wildly. Doc is desperately trying to loosen the super glue, rocking back and forth. Bob has passed his ten-minute time limit and has disappeared.)

DOC: (whispering, a broken man) I'll do anything if you'll leave me alone!

QUARAN: (looking up from trying to wedgie Lisa) Like what?

DOC: Destroy the DeLorean, let Biff have the almanac--

BIFF: (from audience) Changed my mind about the fight!

DOC: (getting more desperate by the second) Hell, I'll french-kiss Marty! Just leave me be!

(Collective "EEEWWW!!" from all in the arena.)

LISA: (making a face) Dis-GUSTING!

GINA: YUCK!

J. C.: (looking green) I'm going to puke.

BIFF: (pale) Changed my mind again.

LORRAINE: (shuddering) That's worse than what I did to Marty.

(The girls go back to fighting. A new item is thrown into the ring -- Doc's stopwatch. Lisa sees this one.)

LISA: What's that for?

CHRISTINA: It can stop time for ten seconds.

DOC: (confused) Since when?

CHRISTINA: Since this show.

(Gina pulls herself free of the fight, grabs the skateboard, skates over, and grabs the stopwatch. The girls chase her, leaving fire trails in the ring. Gina skates by Doc and presses the stopwatch. Everything freezes except her. She hops off the skateboard and sits on Doc's lap.)

GINA: (happily) What's up, sexy?

(Frozen in time, Doc can't reply. She plants a big sloppy one right on his lips.)

(Time unfreezes just then. The girls all crash into the invisible screen. Doc is horrified to have Gina on his lap. She gives him a big, crushing hug.)

GINA: Do you know how hot you are?

(She squeezes harder. Doc looks at her.)

DOC: (whispering) Gina?

GINA: (also whispering) Yes, Doc?

DOC: (still whispering, and turning blue) Air?

GINA: (blushing) Oh, sorry!

(She releases him. Doc sucks in oxygen. The other girls see what's happened.)

CLARA: (smugly) She hurt Emmett! Dis-qualified!

J. C.: (yelling) BREAK A DEAL, FACE THE WHEEL!

LISA: What wheel?

J. C.: (shrugging) I heard it -- ack!

(Quarantina has managed to wedgie her. Gina's cheering section boos.)

TEKVA: She was just hugging him! Leave her in!

ANAKIN MCFLY: Boy, you wouldn't think a woman in her 50s could yell that loud!

(Christina checks Doc over and confers with a judge.)

CHRISTINA: No lasting damage. She stays. But no more stopwatch for you.

(Gina reluctantly lets go off the watch. The other girls growl and circle her. She responds with some hard kicks. Soon the scene dissolves back into total chaos, Doc whimpering miserably.)

(Up in the stands, however. . . .)

MARTY: Jesus, Doc! He could have gotten really hurt!

JENNIFER: (eating popcorn) I think he still might. Those girls are fighting awfully close to him. It's surprising he hasn't gotten kicked yet.

MARTY: (shaking his head) He doesn't look good. This isn't right! I'm going to go save him from those love-crazed girls!

JENNIFER: (impressed) I'm with you! But how?

(Someone idles up to them in the dark.)

SOMEONE: Psst. I heard you want to save Doc.

(Marty looks up. A mysterious figure in a vaguely Star-Trek like uniform is nearby.)

MARTY: (suspiciously) Who are you?

(The stranger comes into the light.)

SOMEONE: I'm PIcaRDMPC. I can help you get through the screen with the help of--

(Three young girls in little skirts appear behind him.)

PICARDMPC: THE POWERPUFF GIRLS!

JENNIFER: The _Powerpuff Girls_? Couldn't you get Arnold Schwarzenegger or something?

MARTY: I guess we'll have to take help from any source we can get it from.

(He stands up in appropriately shredded shirt, makeshift headband, and torn jeans. Jennifer sighs.)

JENNIFER: Marty, you look so sexy, just like Rambo.

MARTY: (smiling) Thanks, Jen. Lead on, PPG! Let's kick some fan-girl butt!

(Back in the arena, Lisa isn't doing so well. She decides she needs help.)

LISA: Lifeline time! Bring me my Mary-Sue!

(Lightning strikes the arena! When the smoke clears, Alien Lisa stands there, looking around in confusion.)

AL: What happened?

LISA: Hey, Alien Lisa. I need a favor.

AL: After subjecting me to seeing Data die? No way!

LISA: Well, if you want to see Doc torn to pieces by eager fan-girls. . . .

(Alien Lisa looks and see Doc surrounded by the girls, cooing at him and feeling him up. She gets annoyed.)

AL: Hey! Leave my friend alone!

(The girls ignore her. AL spreads her wings indignantly and decides to get serious. She coughs and clears her throat. She starts singing "Life's a Show" from the Musical Buffy episode. The girls yelp and back away. The audience moans and covers their ears. A few get up and leave.)

GINA: (angrily) You wanna play rough, Lisa? Lifeline! Bring me Gina Brown, Doc's daughter!

(The lightning snaps and crackles. Daughter Gina appears from the smoke.)

D-GINA: (nervously) Where am I? Bad enough I get thrown back to the 50s after my father is killed. . . .

GINA: He's right here, Gina-2, but he's still in danger.

(D-Gina spots the girls crowding Doc. She gets mad.)

D-GINA: Hey! Get your hands off my Daddy!

CLARA: (startled) _Daddy_?? He only has my two precious boys!

DOC: I'm not anyone's Daddy! Get off me, you #$&%&(&(&$)&%#%!

(Five women in the audience faint, two men have heart attacks from hearing the word.)

FAOLCROP91: Whoa! That beats all the records!

D-GINA: (stunned) DADDY!

AL: (equally stunned) Yipes.

CLARA: Emmett, watch your mouth!

J. C.: That was directed at you, in case you hadn't noticed! You &$&%(!

(Close-up of J. C.'s cheering section. Three girls yell happily, holding Anti-Clara signs.)

BACK TO THE CHAOS: Go J. C.! Go J. C.! Kill Clara! Kill Clara!

BUFORD: Shut up!

BACK TO THE CHAOS: Go to hell! We'll twist you until you puke in our twisted editions!

(Biff stops Buford from replying.)

BIFF: They mean it, great-granddad. You should see what they did to me.

BUFORD: Shut up, butt-head.

BIFF: (angrily) Who are you calling a butt-head, butt-head?

GRIFF: Who's a butt-head?

BIFF: Not you, butt-head, this butt-head.

BUFORD: You're both butt-heads!

GRIFF: Don't call me a butt-head, butt-head!

(George hits them all on the back of the head.)

GEORGE: Shut up and watch the fight!

(J. C. moves closer to Doc, incurring the wrath of AL and D-Gina.)

AL: You'd better stay back, you!

D-GINA: Leave Daddy alone!

FLAMING: (growling) Three can play at this game! Lifeline! Bring _me_ my Mary-Sue!

(Lightning cooks the arena floor. When the smoke clears, _two_ women are standing there!)

MYSTIE: What the hell just happened?

JOSIE: Whatever it was, I'm glad. Just saved me from the incinerator!

GINA: (upset) Hey, no fair! I have two Mary-Sues, but both didn't show up for me!

FLAMING: (blushing) Sorry, I completely forgot about Josie. To make it fair, I won't use the power again.

CHRISTINA: Sounds fair to me. Girls?

(The other's grudgingly concede. Clara snarls.)

CLARA: Hope your two bitches can handle my firepower! Bring me Clint Eastwood, the actor!

(The all too familiar lightning bolt, and Clint Eastwood emerges from the smoke.)

CLINT: (lips move but no sound comes out)

AUTHOR: Apologies, the only Clint Eastwood I ever saw was Marty.

CLARA: (disgusted) Terrific. Well, as long as he can fight.

(In response, Clint pulls a .45.)

CLARA: That's better.

QUARAN: Hey, are we allowed to call down the same person we called down before?

CHRISTINA: I don't see why not.

QUARAN: Great! Bring me Bob the Dinosaur!

(The horribly cliched lightning bolt strikes, bringing back the Wedgie-Sore-aus.)

SCOTT ADAMS: Damn! I'd nearly finished inking this cartoon!

(The sub fighters all go at it. Clint, D-Gina, Bob, and AL briefly unite to take down Mystie and Josie, who are making eyes at Doc.)

D-GINA: You're not taking away my Dad!

CLINT: (mouths)

AL: I have some very powerful friends who will be willing to help me!

DR. WHO 8: Anytime, Lisa!

(Mystie and Josie both vamp out, causing the others to rethink their tatics. They go for an all-out old-fashioned brawl. The girls, free of fighting, crowd Doc.)

J C.: (cooing) Oh, Emmett, you look so pale. . . .

CLARA: Tell them you only want me, Emmett. . . .

LISA: I could give you anything you want, anything at all. . . .

QUARAN: You'd have a gaggle of fans willing to do your bidding, Emmett, if you'll be mine. . .

WEATHER EXPERIMENT: (from audience) You win him, you take care of him.

GINA: I've always wondered about your strong masculine charms. . . .

(Doc pulls back as far as he can in his chair, breathing hard from terror.)

DOC: This is just like "Night of the Living Dead". Leave me alone, girls. I'm not such a great guy. I'm 64 years old, I'm completely broke, I can't have alcohol at all. . . .

GIRLS: We don't care. You're hot. (They descend on him, kissing and stroking and generally doing naughty things.)

DOC: That does it. (He starts kicking again, but it seems to have no effect. He goes for heavy ammunition.) You do know I'm gay, right girls?

LISA: Good one, Doc. We're not going away.

(They keep doing naughty things while the audience gawks and cheers the subs. A few lecherous minded individuals take pictures. Doc squirms for a moment, then goes limp in dejection.)

DOC: (crying) Why me? I'll do anything, God, anything. Just get me free.

CHRISTINA: (heartstrings pulled) C'mon girls, back off a little. (As they pull back a bit, she turns to the camera, not noticing the dark shapes heading for the ring.) We'll be right back.


	4. A Happy Ending

(Commercial. Yup, it's Vitameatavegamin. This time, a rather portly middle-aged man is standing behind the podium, smiling bravely. He is dressed in a brown wig and drag.)

ANNOUNCER: (the off-screen voice, in falsetto) Hello, friends. I'm your Vitameatavegamin girl. Are you. . . .

(The rest of the commercial is drowned out by the hysterical laughing of the stage hands. Quick change to Catfight's new sponsor. We focus on a busy sidewalk. A geeky guy in thick horn-rimmed glasses is on a cell phone, walking down the street and pausing every few steps.)

GEEK: Can you hear me now? Good! (few steps) Can you hear me now? Good! (few steps) Can you hear me now? Good! (few steps) Can you--

(The geeky guy is crushed by a falling piano. The stool follows shortly after. Nobody even stops. One of those easily whistled theme songs plays.)

ANNOUNCER: Ted's Piano Dropping Service. When it really needs to be crushed-- (amusing splat sound effect) --right now.

(We're back to Catfight. Christina smiles pleasantly.)

CHRISTINA: Much better. There's still plenty of action in the ring, and we're getting ready to throw in a new item for the girls.

(She looks at the ring. The ten minutes haven't completely elapsed yet, so the girls are still all over Doc. He's just looking at the floor, pouting in the most adorable way. The dark shapes are still lurking near the screen. The sub fighters go at it, kicking, biting, scratching, shooting, and wedging.)

MYSTIE: I never had dinosaur before! Feel a vampire's rage, moron.

(She sinks her fangs into Bob's neck. Bob hits her with his mighty tail, but the hit isn't all that mighty. She keeps sucking.)

(Meanwhile, AL has neutralized everyone else by singing "Born to be Wild." The other fighters are on the floor, writhing in pain. She looks smug, but suddenly--)

CHRISTINA: Ten minutes are up! You have to fight again, girls!

(The subs disappear in a poof of smoke. The girls all sigh and get up to fight again. The stage hand tosses the new item into the arena. This time, Biff spots it first.)

BIFF: (excited) THE ALMANAC!

(He leaps out of his seat and dashes towards the ring, only to knock himself out with the invisible screen. Christina groans.)

CHRISTINA: Idiot. It's not the _real_ almanac! This one tells you what your enemies are going to do one minute in advance!

(The girls all race for it and get into another fight tornado. Doc keeps his eyes on the ground.)

BUFORD: (shaking his head) Butt-head.

GRIFF: Who are you calling a butt-head, butt-head?

(George hits them both with his new book before the situation can escalate. They collapse like -- like -- like something damn collapsible!)

(Meanwhile, outside the ring. . . .)

MARTY: There's Doc!

JENNIFER: (clinging to Marty's arm) Marty, I'm scared. Look at those fan-girls! They'll rip anyone apart who even tries to go near Doc.

MARTY: Doc's my best friend, Jennifer. We've gotta save him. What do we do, PIcaRDMPC? And what's the deal with those two lower-case letters right in the middle of your name?

PICARDMPC: Well, the deal with the letters is--

(His explanation is drowned out by a particularly loud roar from the crowd. Clara has just executed a wrestling move on Gina after grabbing the almanac. The other girls jump her before she can read it again, resembling one of those Calvin and Hobbes cartoons where Calvin clings to Hobbes.)

PICARDMPC: To disable the screen, cut one of the wires in that control panel. Bubbles, you rip it off for us, then you girls get ready to distract everyone with your insane cuteness when the screen's down.

BUBBLES: If this keeps us out of any more Random Insanity fics, sure.

(She rips off the panel and goes to hover with her sisters. Marty pulls out a pair of wire-cutters from nowhere and looks at the mess of wires.)

MARTY: (muttering) Red wire, green wire, red wire, green wire, red wire, green wire. . . .

(Jennifer hits him as gently as possible. He blinks and shakes his head.)

MARTY: Thanks. Which wire, PIcaRDMPC?

PICARDMPC: Either one. Get ready, girls.

(Marty cuts a wire. The screen flickers and goes out. The PPG spring into action, flying circles around everyone and doing annoyingly cute things. _Sorry, but I hate the Powerpuff Girls _The fan-girls desperately try to swat them away. Christina runs to the phone.)

CHRISTINA: Hello, Ted's Piano Dropping Service? Do you do rush jobs?

(As everyone is distracted by the PPG, Marty and Jennifer climb into the arena.)

MARTY: (softly) Doc! Hey Doc!

(Doc lifts his head a little.)

DOC: Great. Now I'm hearing voices.

JENNIFER: No, Doc, it's us!

(Doc manages to look behind him. His eyes light up when he sees Marty and Jennifer.)

DOC: Marty! Jennifer! How'd you get here!

MARTY: Some kid helped us. I'm gonna get you out of here, Doc. (Jennifer gives him a look.) We're gonna.

DOC: Do it fast, those girls are getting very violent.

(The girls are acting like Bone Saw McGraw from the "Spider-Man" movie, or maybe one of the WWE's wrestlers. Marty shudders and goes to work with his wire-cutters.)

(Lisa, Gina, and Clara decide to use their lifelines again against the two girls who have already used them up. They smile evilly.)

LISA: Lifeline! Bring me -- WOODHORN!

(Lightning snaps, and the unicorn with an attitude appears on the scene, pawing and doing a horse's best imitation of a growl.)

GINA: Lifeline! Bring me -- GINA "LACEY" BROWN, Doc's wife!

CLARA: (upset) HEY!

(Wife-Gina appears, looking confused.)

W-GINA: Where am I? I was just with Emmett a second ago. . . .

GINA: Get ready to fight, they want your man!

(W-Gina looks and sees Quarantina and J. C. Jones. Her eyes narrow and she goes into a fighting stance.)

CLARA: Lifeline! Bring me -- ROBERT ZEMECKIS!

(The lightning flashes, and a very confused man in glasses appears.)

ZEMECKIS: Where am I?

CLARA: Catfight. (She points at Quarantina and J. C.) They refuse to acknowledge me as Doc's wife.

ZEMECKIS: So?

CLARA: (confused) _So_? What do you mean by "so?"

ZEMECKIS: I just make the movies. I can't control how people interpet them. I have to get back to my house.

(He walks off the arena, leaving a stunned Clara. Back to the Chaos laughs itself silly. The rest of the girls are barely containing their mirth. Clara goes into a corner and sulks. The other girls ready their fighters.)

(Just then, a strange shadow appears over the arena. Quarantina and Flaming just get out of the way before a piano drops onto the PPG, W-Gina, and Woodhorn. Lisa and Gina shriek in horror.)

GINA: MY MARY-SUE!

LISA: MY UNICORN!

CHRISTINA: Relax, they'll be fine, and they'll have absolutely no memory of this horrible place!

DOC: Couldn't help yourself, huh?

CHRISTINA: It's just such a great -- wait a minute, did Bob Zemeckis just walk off?! Damn it, the screen's broken!

CLARA: It is?

(Seeing her chance, she picks up Biff's limp body and uses him as a weapon. The fight returns to total chaos, now with innocent bystanders caught in the blast. Marty and Jennifer keep working on Doc's bonds and avoiding the things the fan-girls throw at each other. Doc is gradually getting loose.)

DOC: (sensing freedom) Hurry up, hurry up!

MARTY: I'm going as fast as I can, dammit!

(Finally, J. C. gets her hands on the almanac and looks up the future. She frowns.)

J. C.: "Doc gets what he most wants?" Hot Damn, that must mean me!

GIRLS: (overhearing) It means ME!

(They all rush to Doc. Quarantina gets there first. She smiles.)

QUARAN: Safe!

(Doc abruptly stands up and shoves her away!)

DOC: Like hell! (He ducks behind his chair with Jennifer and Marty.) Stay away from me, you -- you women!

MARTY: (holding his wirecutters out as a pathetic weapon) Yeah, stay back!

CHRISTINA: Hey, you can't do that! Security! Security, arrest these two!

(J. C. abruptly gets a brainstorm!)

J. C.: (waving her hands) Hold on! I think I've got a solution to this mess!

(Everyone, even the audience, looks at her in confusion.)

J-FLUX: You do?

J. C.: (nodding in a self-satisfied way) Yup, I do. If I may use my other lifeline. . . ?

DOC: If it keeps me from being drawn and quartered.

(The girls also nod, curious.)

J. C.: Great! Bring me -- CALVIN, HOBBES, AND THEIR AMAZING CARDBOARD BOX! (glances at Doc) REFRIGERATOR SIZE!

LISA: Hey, she can't do that!

CHRISTINA: (blushing) Actually, she can.

(The other contestants give her killer death ray looks as Calvin and Hobbes arrive on the scene.)

CALVIN: What the -- eww, girls!

J. C.: Can it, Calv, I need your help. Can you make me a Dupla-Transmogrifier out of that box?

CALVIN: Of course. I'm a genius.

(He takes out a marker, writes Dupla-Transmogrifier on the box, and draws on a button.)

CALVIN: See? Genius.

J. C.: Okay, Doc, crawl under there.

(Doc looks at her dubiously.)

DOC: It's a cardboard box.

J. C.: Use your imagination. It'll work if the imagination does.

(Doc tries it. The box still looks like a box, but Doc suddenly feels more certain of its properties. Figuring he has nothing to lose, he crawls under. J. C. relieves Calvin of the marker and writes "Doc, end of BTTF III" on the side.)

J. C.: Do you have a paper arrow?

(Hobbes hands her one, smiling at her dreamily. J. C. rolls her eyes and attaches the arrow, having it point at the words. She presses the button. The box goes "Zap!" and suddenly there's more noise inside.)

DOC: What the -- it's suddenly a lot more crowded in here!

(J. C. lifts the box, and _two_ Docs crawl out. The new one is dressed in Old Western clothes.)

DOC 2: What happened? Where am I?

DOC: (amazed) A cloning machine, fascinating. But why is my other self dressed so differently?

(Doc 2 suddenly spots Clara and grins broadly.)

DOC 2: Clara, darling! (He picks her up and spins her around, much to her delight.) How are you, my dear?

CLARA: (joyful beyond belief) Just fine now that you're here, Emmett.

(The other girls all gawk at the smiling J. C.)

J. C.: See? We can use Calv's invention to give all of us the Doc of our dreams! (The audience moans) Hey, you got your fight! And this way Doc gets to go home unmolested.

(Doc darts back under the box. J. C. picks up the marker as the excited fan-girls crowd her. Within minutes, all of them sport their very own Doc. Flaming makes a VampDoc for herself, and all exit the arena. Christina turns to the camera and shrugs.)

CHRISTINA: Well, that's the way it goes sometimes. At least we had a happy ending. Tune in next week to see two movie genres fight over Arnold Schwarzenegger's career! Goodnight!

(Camera moves away to show a TV at the South pole in an ice-cave like structure. Ted's Piano Droppers is on again, dropping a piano on a Progressive agent. One penguin watching the show turns to the other.)

PENGUIN 1: That was great! What's on next?

PENGUIN 2: (sighing) Beakman.

PENGUIN 1: _Beakman_? Why can't we ever watch anything good? Turn it off, Frank.

(The screen goes dark.)


	5. Well, It WAS A Happy Ending

(Hey, wait a minute, don't leave yet! There's more! Cut to the six o'clock news. A young male and a young female are presenting.)

VOICE-OVER: This is CNN.

VOICE-OVER TWO: No it's not. It's ANC 88.

VOICE-OVER: I know, I just always wanted to do that. (coughs) This is ANC 88, your number one movie news channel. Tonight we have--

(Close up on male)

VOICE-OVER: Snide Anderson and--

(Close up on female)

VOICE-OVER: Kathy Lee Crosby.

SNIDE: Good evening. Our top story tonight -- the local town of Hill Valley is in a shambles tonight following the filming of popular T. V. program "Catfight." Eyewitness accounts say that shortly after filming commenced, a new girl named "Loretta" appeared on the scene, absolutely furious that she was not invited to appear on the show. We take you now to exclusive footage of that event.

(Cut back to backstage at the "Catfight" arena. The girls are enjoying their Docs, who look a little uncomfortable with all the affection. Christina is standing by, rolling her eyes. Suddenly--)

LORETTA: Hey! You!

(Everyone turns to see a rather pissed-off looking woman, with short blond hair. She stomps up to Christina, eyes flashing fire.)

LORETTA: What's the deal? I'm a Doc's Girl too, you know! I deserved to be represented in this fight!

CHRISTINA: (startled) Well, I'm afraid we didn't know you existed. It's too late to add you in now, though.

LORETTA: I know that! I want compensation -- my own Doc!

GINA: Why should you get a Doc for no work?

LORETTA: Trust me, you'd be lying on the floor begging for mercy right now if I'd been in that fight.

J. C.: Oh, really? Why didn't you show up earlier then? Huh?

LORETTA: I live in Canada! It's a long drive.

LISA: You were just too chicken to come on and fight, Lorry!

LORETTA: _Nobody_ -- calls me Lorry.

J. C.: (taunting) Lorry Lorry Lorry

(Loretta flips out.)

LORETTA: Fine then! You want a fight, I'll give you a fight! LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!

(She pulls out -- an umbrella. The girls giggle, until she suddenly yanks a nasty-looking sword from it. She grins evilly.)

LORETTA: I happen to know one of the James Bond villains.

J. C.: (confuzzled) But -- the umbrella sword is from "The Avengers"--

AUTHOR: I don't recall seeing any James Bond movies, that's why.

LORETTA: Well, the umbrella sword works for me. En garde, you rascals!

(She lunges for J. C.. J. C. dodges and rips the Almanac from Christina's hands. Lisa grabs the skateboard, Gina the stopwatch. Quarantina cracks her knuckles and dashes around in back of Loretta. Clara snarls threateningly. Within minutes the girls are embroiled in a nasty fight, using every dirty trick in the book on each other. The Docs look at each other, eyes wide.)

VAMPDOC: I'm not sure I want to be the boyfriend of a girl like _that_.

CLARADOC: (as the others nod) I'm afraid I agree. I wasn't aware of this side of Clara.

GINADOC: I say we make a run for it.

LISADOC: I'm all for that, but how?

CLARADOC: Don't worry. I believe that when the girls wished us into existence, they also wished in modes of transportation. And while you got DeLoreans, _I_ received a _train._

(The Docs slip away. Sure enough, a bunch of DeLoreans and a DeTrain are parked outside. The Docs quickly pile inside the DeTrain and start chugging away.)

(Inside, the girls are still busy fighting, kicking up a good cloud of dust. Far from discouraging the fight, Christina is egging them on, figuring she can use the footage on a "Too Hot For TV" DVD or something. Suddenly, Gina sticks her head out from the cloud and looks around.)

GINA: Hey, where are the Dockies?

(The girls immediately freeze and look around. Lisa hears the train chugging away.)

LISA: Uh-oh.

GINA: (anguished wail) THEY'RE GETTING AWAY! (kicks Loretta) THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

J. C.: Oh no they don't! They're ours now, and they're _not_ running away! To the DeLoreans!

CLARA: (puzzled) What DeLoreans?

J. C.: I wished in DeLoreans and the train when I made my VampDoc.

GINA: Oh, then it's your fault! (kicks her)

J. C.: (hopping up and down on one leg) Do you want to get the Docs back or not?!

LORETTA: I still want my own! (brandishes the sword threateningly)

J. C: Look, woman, help me get mine back at any rate, and I'll call Calvin and get the Dupla-Transmogrifier for ya to make one.

LORETTA: What are we waiting for?! Let's go!

(The girls rush outside and are confronted by four DeLoreans. Christina, having followed, frowns.)

CHRISTINA: That's not nearly enough for all of us. . . .

QUARANTINA: Who said you were coming?

CHRISTINA: Are you kidding? This is good stuff. (shoving another camera at somebody) Take this camera. I want to document EVERYTHING!

J. C.: Looks like we have no choice but to split up into teams. Each DeLorean seats two. Loretta, you're coming with me. Gina, you go with Lisa. Quarantina, you can go with either Clara or Christina.

CLARA: (unwillingly) I don't know how to drive.

CHRISTINA: And I have to take my cameraman.

J. C.: Fine, Quarantina and Clara. Move out!

(The girls, somewhat reluctantly, get into the cars together. We see the first three DeLoreans rev up from the cameraman's view, then speed off. In the first DeLorean, everything seems fine, but the second one is weaving terribly. We pull up nearby to see Gina and Lisa fighting over the wheel.)

GINA: I wanna drive!

LISA: No, I'm gonna drive!

GINA: I love him more than you do! I'll drive!

LISA: LOOK OUT!

(The DeLorean just manages to avoid a van going by. The van honks at them.)

DRIVER: (angrily) Woof! Woof!

(The cameraman quickly spins -- it's Einstein, driving Doc's "E. Brown Scientific Services" truck. The camera watches the van drive off, then turns slowly to Christina, driving. She shrugs.)

CHRISTINA: The author's making it up as she goes.

(The third DeLorean is going along steadily when suddenly the wheels fold under and it begins flying. Clara screams in the passenger seat while Quarantina laughs wickedly. Clara whacks her one upside the head.)

CLARA: If I had a gun. . . .

QUARANTINA: Oh, get off your high horse. Where's your sense of competition?

CLARA: I left it in New Jersey.

(The first DeLorean has also switched to fly mode, in order to get to the train better. They're beginning to catch up to the train. VampDoc pokes his head out the side and sees them.)

VAMPDOC: Great Scott! They're in the DeLoreans!

CLARADOC: (unseen, at the controls) I'll switch it to hover mode! We can go faster that way!

GINADOC: Do you really think that'll help?

CLARADOC: It's worth a shot!

(The train goes into hover mode and flies away. The rest of the DeLoreans also convert to hover mode, keeping up the chase. J. C.'s and Loretta's DeLorean gets close -- close enough to touch bumpers. VampDoc sees this and frowns.)

VAMPDOC: They're still gaining! I'm going off on my own!

LISADOC: Huh??

VAMPDOC: Just try to keep them distracted!

(VampDoc leaps from the train. Some of the girls scream, but then a pair of huge batwings unfold from his back, and he soars into the wild blue yonder. J. C. and Loretta try to chase him, but the train swings around and blocks them. J. C. curses at it and tries to fly under it. Loretta stops her.)

LORETTA: Wait a minute. Let me try something. Pull up beside the train.

(J. C. does so. As she does, Quarantina and Clara pull up to the back. Very carefully, they climb up the ladder on the back of the train and onto the wood cart. Loretta leaps onto the train, Bond-style. J. C. nods, and flies away to find her own way on. QuarantinaDoc sees the girls on the train.)

QTDOC: We've acquired company!

CLARADOC: Great Scott! Anyone have any ideas?

LISADOC: Can we try to shake them off?

CLARADOC: (uncertainly) I don't really want to _kill_ them. . . .

GINADOC: Well, we have to keep them off balance. If Gina gets on, I'm through. She may be small, but you saw how she fights.

CLARADOC: (getting an idea) Aha! I think I might have a Presto-Log here somewhere. (rifles through something) Here we go. Hang on!

(He throws the Presto-Log in and opens up the throttle. Minutes later, as Loretta, Quarantina and Clara climb across the wood cart, the Presto-Log goes off. The girls are thrown backward. Loretta and Quarantina scream, but Clara recovers quickly.)

CLARA: (taunting them as she moves ahead) See, there are advantages to being canon!

(Loretta pulls out a pen tranquilizer gun.)

LORETTA: There's also advantages to being based on a real person!

(She fires the tranquilizer gun, but belatedly realizes it's facing the wrong way. The dart shoots out the tip, missing her and hitting Quarantina. Quaran promptly falls over, sound asleep.)

LORETTA: (a bit sheepishly) Least it got _somebody_.

(Clara sticks out her tongue, then sees J. C., trying to climb onto the train from her own DeLorean. J. C. is trembling with fear.)

J. C.: (whispering) I hate heights, oh how I hate heights. . . .

CLARA: Well, you won't be so high up soon!

(She shoves J. C. off balance. Loretta gasps as J. C. disappears into the wild blue yonder.)

LORETTA: I can't believe you just did that!

CLARA: I'm from the Old West. People died every day. I just did what I needed to.

(She starts for Loretta, who quickly tries to re-arm her pen gun. Suddenly, behind Clara rises -- J. C.! Clara hears noise and turns.)

CLARA: (absolutely stunned) What the hell?!

(J. C. is standing on Lisa and Gina's DeLorean. Gina throws open her door, slamming Clara in the mouth. Clara collapses, semi-conscious.)

J. C.: Thanks for the lift, girls!

GINA: (laughing hysterically) I've wanted to do that my whole life!

LISA: (impressed) Nice shot, Gina!

LORETTA: How come I didn't hear you land?

J. C.: You wouldn't believe it, but this stuff is padded somehow. Explains how this thing can plow through a wall with no damages. (taking charge) Let's get our Dockies back!

LISADOC: (looking out) Damn! Damn damn!

GINADOC: I'm not going back without a fight!

CLARADOC: (showing off nasty-looking telescopic rifle) Me neither!

VAMPDOC: (swooping up alongside and vamping) Come and get me!

J. C.: (with heart-pupilled eyes) You look so sexy when you do that.

VAMPDOC: Oh Christ. . . .

(Suddenly, a voice booms out of nowhere.)

VOICE: ATTENTION! YOU ARE ALL UNDER ARREST! DESCEND TO GROUND LEVEL IMMEDIATELY! YOU ARE ALL UNDER ARREST!

(Everyone looks up to see some police helicopters flying by.)

J. C.: (annoyed) Cheese it, the cops!

LISADOC: (waving) Help us out here! We're just innocent victims!

LISA: Hey, on what grounds can you arrest us?

POLICE: DISTURBING THE PEACE, HARASSMENT, STALKING, KIDNAPING, GRAND THEFT AUTO

J. C.: These DeLoreans are _mine!_

POLICE: YOU ARE UNDER ARREST. DESCEND TO GROUND LEVEL IMMEDIATELY.

(The train starts descending, but the girls have other ideas.)

LISA: I'm not going anywhere with these guys! I'm getting out of here!

GINA: I'm with you! Hit the gas!

J. C.: Wait just a sec! (pulls out Doc's remote and maneuvers her DeLorean over)

LORETTA: I'm not staying here!

(She leaves Clara and Quarantina and jumps onto the car. She and J. C. hop into the DeLorean, and the four girls speed off. J. C. and Lisa set the time circuits.)

J. C.: (yelling to Lisa) I'm going to August 5th, 1984!

LISA: (yelling back) Why then?

J. C.: Nothing happened that day! I'll see you back here later!

(Both DeLoreans speed up, chased by a police helicopter. 65 -- 75 -- 85 -- 88 -- 90 --)

THE GIRLS: _Ninety?!_

LORETTA: Uh-oh. Did you order up _fueled _DeLoreans, J. C.?

(J. C. puts her head on the steering wheel.)

J. C.: Aw crap.

(Back to the newsroom. The anchors smile vacantly at us.)

KATHY LEE: The participants of the chase, identified as Lisa Fagan, Quaran Tina, Gina Manilow-Jackson, Clara Clayton Brown, J. C. Jones, Loretta Wilson, and Christina Lawyers, are currently being held in the county jail. The various Dr. Emmett Browns have made plans to split up and move to different parts of the country. Only one, the one called "ClaraDoc," is planning to stay here in Hill Valley. They issued a brief statement, saying, "We're doing no good staying here and tempting the girls." The creators of the popular show "Catfight" are now facing charges of disturbing the peace. Now, on to--

(Somebody runs in and hands Kathy a paper. She reads it and gasps.)

KATHY LEE: This just in -- it appears that the girls attempted to escape the jail where they were being held, with the use of a "tranquilizer pen gun." The attempt was quickly aborted, but one of the girls, J. C. Jones, apparently made it through jail security! The police are currently looking for her. Please, if you see Miss Josephine Caroline Jones, call 911 and report her whereabouts! No movie male can be considered safe until she is back in custody!

(Cut to J. C. herself, avoiding the police. She breathes hard.)

J. C.: (softly) Too bad about the other girls. . .but they'll get out in time, I'll bet. Loretta's husband will bail her out, and I know Stephen Clark will take care of Lisa, Quaran, and Gina. (she looks around nervously) I'd best get out of here and lay low for a while.

(She hears a noise and jumps. Out of the shadows comes Christina's cameraman, still holding his camera.)

CAMERAMAN: Hey there.

J. C.: (worriedly) Listen, buddy, I can give you money, just say--

CAMERAMAN: Don't worry, I won't turn you in. I'm a bit of a fugitive myself. "Catfight" wants to blame me for suggesting the match.

J. C.: Oh. (has a thought) Hey, why don't we team up? I'm planning on making a documentary about catching another favorite movie character of mine. I could use a cameraman.

CAMERAMAN: Sure! As long as it's not the Doc.

J. C.: (sigh) No. . .but you can be sure I'll have him some day. I just need to hone my fighting style a bit, and this next character might help with that. Do you know where the nearest phone is?

CAMERAMAN: (pointing) On that corner.

(J. C. jogs over, inserts a quarter, and dials.)

J. C.: Hola? Enrique? Si, es J. C. Donde esta Sarah Connor?

The End?

(Well, at least until I write "To Catch a Terminator")


End file.
